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by Michael on May 26, 2008 at 4:02 pm
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The Streets Run Red With Donated Blood.
Boston, MA: Tragedy struck early this morning when a van used by the American Red Cross to transport blood donations collided with a truck on a crowded street near Central Square. Although nobody was injured, gallons of blood were sprayed around the area in a scene that has been described as “the most gruesome accident to ever occur in Boston”.
Amelia Windthorax, 28, was an eyewitness to the horrid affair. “It all happened so fast,” she told us, “The Red Cross van turned the corner and then the other truck just barreled right into it. Suddenly everybody on the street was screaming ‘blood! blood!’ and running for their lives. There was a five foot wall of red sweeping down the street, washing away both cars and people. It was almost as bad as the time I watched Ghost Rider.”
(Continue reading…)
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Voted: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
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by Michael on April 28, 2008 at 11:29 am
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Voted: 4.0/5 (1 vote cast)
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 Sure social interactions are sparse, and sure the only female interactions you can get are with the operator at the Nintendo hotline, but at least you have your weekly trip to the supermarket, right? If this is all you’ve got, you’ve got to cram in all the social interactions you’ll need for the week.Here are some helpful hints to get the most out of your shopping experience:
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Voted: 4.0/5 (1 vote cast)
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 Administration Addresses National Health Concerns
WASHINGTON - President Bush, smirking smugly to himself as he addressed the White House press corps earlier today, announced that he and his advisers had finally come up with a solution to address the nation’s growing demands for a national health care system.
“My advisers tell me that my understanding of the situation is tenuous, at best. So, on a scale of oneuous to tenuous, I win.
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Voted: 4.0/5 (1 vote cast)
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Tepeko, MO – Shirley Kemla’s assumption that her fiancée had misspelled their evening’s activity was proved wrong yesterday, when it turned out he had made neither a spelling nor a typing error when emailing her a description of their plans for the night.
“Let’s visit my parents tonight,” wrote Brian Howard, Shirley’s fiancée, “my parents realized that you had never seen our family crust, and thought you might get a kick out of it.” Mistakenly assuming that Brian had meant ‘crest’, Shirley agreed. She was very surprised, then, when she discovered that he was describing an 80-year old accumulation of spilled food, drink, and bodily effluence on an heirloom dining room table.
(Continue reading…)
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Voted: 2.0/5 (1 vote cast)
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Voted: 5.0/5 (4 votes cast)
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JUNEAU, AK. A group of international scientists have converged on a research center in the remote northern wilderness of Alaska to study the phenomenon known as the “Areola Borealis”. What makes this expedition noteworthy is the fact that the entire research project is being funded out-of-pocket by the pooled resources of the scientists themselves, who were unable to obtain any grants for their research. “This remarkable phenomenon is one of the things that make our planet wonderful,” said a visibly excited Norman G. Zongas, PhD, “and it’s a shame the rest of the academic community fails to be as titillated as we are by the opportunity to learn more about the Areola Borealis.”
The Areola Borealis, which can be found a bit south of the ‘Northern Lights’, but is rarely studied in great detail out of politeness, has long intrigued scientists, who consider it to be the third most sensual natural phenomenon, after Antonio Banderas and the constellation that looks like a vulva. The scientists have allocated several years to this project, as the complete absence of any prior knowledge about the Areola requires that they work from the ground up.
To facilitate their work, the scientists have constructed two domed observatories, side by side, near their encampment. The second observatory cost an additional $18 million dollars, but when questioned about the seemingly unnecessary expense, the scientists just giggled.
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Voted: 3.0/5 (2 votes cast)
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by stevenr on March 4, 2008 at 9:10 am
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"And now Jim. Okay, Jim. Go. Jim? Any time now. Cut!" Matt rubbed his forehead. "Jim?"
"Just give me a second."
"Right."
Jim took a deep breath and tried to relax. "I'm okay, I'm okay. Let's go again."
"You're sure?"
"Totally. I am ready."
"Okay! Cue music! Action!"
The scene unfolded. "Okay. Missy? Now Jim. Jim. Jim. Now, Jim. Now! Cut!"
(Continue reading…)
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Voted: 3.5/5 (4 votes cast)
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by Michael on February 15, 2008 at 8:24 pm
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Hello Gravites and Gravettes! Seeing as how it’s Valentine’s Day (actually it’s the day after Valentine’s Day, but never mind that), Laughterhouse has deemed fit to use our infinite knowledge to help all of you flunkies by publishing a guide to affairs of the heart. If you use this guide appropriately, none of you will have to spend yesterday by yourselves! Unfortunately we chose to let our science officer write the guide, so it’s a bit technical. It may help to refer to the diagram that we’ve provided.
In this Guide we will describe how the heart works and many of the different ways you can use the heart to get into the pants of the person you care about. As we all know, the heart is the organ that pumps blood to the various limbs and fiddly bits of our body. Without this function we would immediately die, so the heart is often called a vital organ, or supriorgan. It has often been claimed that the heart is the center and source of emotion in the human body. This is of course completely true, but before we can discuss that we must describe how the heart functions:
(Continue reading…)
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Voted: 5.0/5 (1 vote cast)
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