After the sad realization that we will never find love through conventional means, we forlornly created accounts on several online dating sites (Match.com, JDate, the Federal Sex Offenders Directory, etc). After perusing the profiles of fellow users, we've compiled this list of "red flags" for you to look out for when using these sites. If you see any of the following in someone's profile, you should avoid dating them at all costs. They probably write for LaughterHouse.

• I only date people I’m able to carry… long distances…
• I sell children’s shoes (yes, I’m a pedophile!).
  (Note: Latin familiar people may get that joke more than others)
• I am an ax collector.
• I am a tax collector.
  (Continue reading…)

To: All Staff
From: Mr. Mackrelvaney, Director of Humane Resources
Subject: Holiday Party Recap

It was great to spend time with all of you at the holiday party last week. I’m sure we all agree that it was a memorable occasion.

In an effort to have an even better time next year, here are a few guidelines you should keep in mind.

• Animal Husbandry: It’s nice to know that Kyle in Receiving was president of his 4H Club in 10th grade. But I don’t think it was necessary to get him drunk enough to believe there was an American Idol Best of Bestiality Award. Let’s be clear: sheep are no longer welcome at our annual holiday party. By the way, Kyle, I hope it was ok that I mentioned your name.
  
  (Continue reading…)