After the sad realization that we will never find love through conventional means, we forlornly created accounts on several online dating sites (Match.com, JDate, the Federal Sex Offenders Directory, etc). After perusing the profiles of fellow users, we've compiled this list of "red flags" for you to look out for when using these sites. If you see any of the following in someone's profile, you should avoid dating them at all costs. They probably write for LaughterHouse.

• I only date people I’m able to carry… long distances…
• I sell children’s shoes (yes, I’m a pedophile!).
  (Note: Latin familiar people may get that joke more than others)
• I am an ax collector.
• I am a tax collector.
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Editor’s Note: Hey! This article contains images and ideas that are probably not suitable for the easily offended. If you fall into this category, it would probably be best for everyone if you avoided the ‘more’ link.

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1. Take care of your genitals. I kind of designed them at the last second, so they don’t really last as long as the rest of thine body.
2. It is not possible for me to microwave a burrito so hot that even I can not eat it. Trust me, I’ve tried.
3. Thou shalt go ahead and cross Leviticus right out, it was just a rough draft I made one night when I was high.
4. The Virgin Mary is not my lover. She’s just a girl who says that I am the one. But the kid is not my son.
5. Thou shalt scream my name whilst having sex, and I’ll take a looksee. Bonus points if you’re committing adultery, that shit is hot.
6. Remember the Sabbath Day and keep it real. Don’t let anyone fuck with you on the Sabbath Day.
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Sorry, son. Your grandmother went in for an OPERATION and didn’t wake up! Try to amuse yourself with some of these board games we picked up at the asylum’s garage sale last week.

Editor’s Note: ACHTUNGSTEN! This article contains images and ideas that are probably not suitable for the easily offended, and definitely not suitable for anyone under the age of 18. If you fall into either of these categories, it would probably be best for everyone if you avoided the ‘more’ link.

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