Administration Addresses National Health Concerns

WASHINGTON - President Bush, smirking smugly to himself as he addressed the White House press corps earlier today, announced that he and his advisers had finally come up with a solution to address the nation’s growing demands for a national health care system.

“My advisers tell me that my understanding of the situation is tenuous, at best. So, on a scale of oneuous to tenuous, I win.

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Tepeko, MO – Shirley Kemla’s assumption that her fiancée had misspelled their evening’s activity was proved wrong yesterday, when it turned out he had made neither a spelling nor a typing error when emailing her a description of their plans for the night.

The crust in question.
(Click to enlarge)

“Let’s visit my parents tonight,” wrote Brian Howard, Shirley’s fiancée, “my parents realized that you had never seen our family crust, and thought you might get a kick out of it.” Mistakenly assuming that Brian had meant ‘crest’, Shirley agreed. She was very surprised, then, when she discovered that he was describing an 80-year old accumulation of spilled food, drink, and bodily effluence on an heirloom dining room table.
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Editor’s Note: Hey! This article contains images and ideas that are probably not suitable for the easily offended. If you fall into this category, it would probably be best for everyone if you avoided the ‘more’ link.

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Secondhand smoke	Secondhand meat
Joe Camel	Ronald McDonald
Philip Morris	The Hamburglar
Kills you	Kills you faster
Consumers sue producer for negative effects of consuming their product	C’mon. You didn’t honestly think that the McLard Shake was good for you, did you?
Lung Cancer	Colon Cancer
Flavor Country	Playland Ball Pit
More than 4,000 chemicals in each cigarette	No one even knows what goes into french fries
Turns your teeth brown	If you still have teeth, you probably don’t eat here
Candy cigarettes entice kids to smoke	Happy Meals
Darwinism solves this issue	Darwinism will probably take care of this one, too
Golden filters	Golden arches
Nicotine can help you lose weight	“… and a Diet Coke.”
Thank You for Smoking	Supersize Me
Not much better than breathing in car exhaust	Drive through window

Editor’s Note: This was originally published in the Spring 2006 Issue of Gravity Magazine.

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Author’s Note: This post was a response to monkz’s post, “You Shall Not Pass”.