Hello Gravites and Gravettes! Seeing as how it’s Valentine’s Day (actually it’s the day after Valentine’s Day, but never mind that), Laughterhouse has deemed fit to use our infinite knowledge to help all of you flunkies by publishing a guide to affairs of the heart. If you use this guide appropriately, none of you will have to spend yesterday by yourselves! Unfortunately we chose to let our science officer write the guide, so it’s a bit technical. It may help to refer to the diagram that we’ve provided.

In this Guide we will describe how the heart works and many of the different ways you can use the heart to get into the pants of the person you care about. As we all know, the heart is the organ that pumps blood to the various limbs and fiddly bits of our body. Without this function we would immediately die, so the heart is often called a vital organ, or supriorgan. It has often been claimed that the heart is the center and source of emotion in the human body. This is of course completely true, but before we can discuss that we must describe how the heart functions:

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Pittsburgh, PA, Feb. 30: The recently deceased have risen from their graves and demanded both basic human rights and tasty human flesh. The incident began almost a week ago, when several thousand corpses climbed out of their graves, coffins, and concrete shoes in the riverbed. At first they were content to wander around aimlessly, but soon they began to work together to swarm the city’s residential areas and demand fair housing prices, the right to different vitality marriages, and succulent human entrails. The city’s residents were quick to flee, presumably because of the inevitable drop in real estate prices, but the high volume of traffic on the highways caused severe congestion that several zombies described as a “tasty meat buffet”.

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