Disturbed college student Miranda Gasbag became a vigilante yesterday, taking pictures of a man eating on the subway and posting them on the Internet. "I couldn't believe it," said Gasbag, "I was truly horrified. He was just sitting right out in the open, gnawing away on a pastrami sandwich. His mouth was this gaping hole, engulfing these pieces of meat, engorging itself as it stretched to take in the load. I — I think I saw his uvula." Gasbag's strong overbearing moral character quickly sprang into action. "Now, most people would faint away at such a sight, but not me. I got a few shots with my cameraphone and got off at the next stop." To Gasbag's surprise, the police were less than helpful. "They said flashers aren't a top priority, especially if they don't actually touch you. And can you believe, eating in public is legal?! I mean, we can't stop people from doing it in the privacy of their own homes, but to be harassed like I was? What if there were children around?" Gasbag takes comfort in the power of mob justice, but says it's not enough. "Sure, the pervert's face is online, but public shaming only goes so far. Honestly, what good is a government if it can't even protect people from being offended?"

Editor's Note: Reprinted from Gravity Magazine, Fall 2005.

Local authorities are on high alert today, just three days before beloved Nicaraguan engineering scholar Catharine “Muffy” Chappleton attempts to eat salsa made by her cat. “Everyone here feels a deep, painful heaving in the abdominal region,” claimed Head of Authorized Authorities Rock Flapsnoggle. “However the public reacts we intend to handle it. Why, we’ve even put Gary Coleman on the speed dial!” Despite the potential for violence and really bad stuff, the woman at the center of attention remains resolute. “Of course I’ll do it,” said the 142-pound Chappleton, who made headlines last year with her congealed mustard sculpture of Sherman Hemsley. “See, a few weeks ago my cat, Brian Norton’s Clam Hut, was being naughty — you know, clawing the furniture and promoting tax breaks for the wealthy. Then one day, I’m lighting rocking chairs on fire and think, ‘Hey, what better way to show someone you care than to eat their salsa?’ Actually, I’ve never eaten salsa, so you can see the commitment right there.” And what will Chappleton do if Brian Norton’s Clam Hut does not respond favorably? “Eh, no big deal. I’ll probably just expose myself to some dude at the mall.”

Prominent Ewok Chub-Chub is dead today, just three days after signing with the Minnesota Vikings. An unauthorized party cruise turned fatal early this morning, as the inebriated victim reportedly fell overboard after a scuffle with a guy in a Darth Vader mask.
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Dear Cat Fancy:
I am deeply offended that you did not run my photo of Mr. Pickles. He is very upset, judging by the projectile vomiting and the constant clawing at his custom-made sailor costume. You call yourself a fan of felines? You, sir, are a phony, and I plan to cancel my subscription after I receive my free kitty litter tote bag.
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