The Streets Run Red With Donated Blood.

Boston, MA: Tragedy struck early this morning when a van used by the American Red Cross to transport blood donations collided with a truck on a crowded street near Central Square. Although nobody was injured, gallons of blood were sprayed around the area in a scene that has been described as “the most gruesome accident to ever occur in Boston”.

Amelia Windthorax, 28, was an eyewitness to the horrid affair. “It all happened so fast,” she told us, “The Red Cross van turned the corner and then the other truck just barreled right into it. Suddenly everybody on the street was screaming ‘blood! blood!’ and running for their lives. There was a five foot wall of red sweeping down the street, washing away both cars and people. It was almost as bad as the time I watched Ghost Rider.”
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Administration Addresses National Health Concerns

WASHINGTON - President Bush, smirking smugly to himself as he addressed the White House press corps earlier today, announced that he and his advisers had finally come up with a solution to address the nation’s growing demands for a national health care system.

“My advisers tell me that my understanding of the situation is tenuous, at best. So, on a scale of oneuous to tenuous, I win.

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Tepeko, MO – Shirley Kemla’s assumption that her fiancée had misspelled their evening’s activity was proved wrong yesterday, when it turned out he had made neither a spelling nor a typing error when emailing her a description of their plans for the night.

The crust in question.
(Click to enlarge)

“Let’s visit my parents tonight,” wrote Brian Howard, Shirley’s fiancée, “my parents realized that you had never seen our family crust, and thought you might get a kick out of it.” Mistakenly assuming that Brian had meant ‘crest’, Shirley agreed. She was very surprised, then, when she discovered that he was describing an 80-year old accumulation of spilled food, drink, and bodily effluence on an heirloom dining room table.
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Disturbed college student Miranda Gasbag became a vigilante yesterday, taking pictures of a man eating on the subway and posting them on the Internet. "I couldn't believe it," said Gasbag, "I was truly horrified. He was just sitting right out in the open, gnawing away on a pastrami sandwich. His mouth was this gaping hole, engulfing these pieces of meat, engorging itself as it stretched to take in the load. I — I think I saw his uvula." Gasbag's strong overbearing moral character quickly sprang into action. "Now, most people would faint away at such a sight, but not me. I got a few shots with my cameraphone and got off at the next stop." To Gasbag's surprise, the police were less than helpful. "They said flashers aren't a top priority, especially if they don't actually touch you. And can you believe, eating in public is legal?! I mean, we can't stop people from doing it in the privacy of their own homes, but to be harassed like I was? What if there were children around?" Gasbag takes comfort in the power of mob justice, but says it's not enough. "Sure, the pervert's face is online, but public shaming only goes so far. Honestly, what good is a government if it can't even protect people from being offended?"

Editor's Note: Reprinted from Gravity Magazine, Fall 2005.

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Pittsburgh, PA, Feb. 30: The recently deceased have risen from their graves and demanded both basic human rights and tasty human flesh. The incident began almost a week ago, when several thousand corpses climbed out of their graves, coffins, and concrete shoes in the riverbed. At first they were content to wander around aimlessly, but soon they began to work together to swarm the city’s residential areas and demand fair housing prices, the right to different vitality marriages, and succulent human entrails. The city’s residents were quick to flee, presumably because of the inevitable drop in real estate prices, but the high volume of traffic on the highways caused severe congestion that several zombies described as a “tasty meat buffet”.

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Local authorities are on high alert today, just three days before beloved Nicaraguan engineering scholar Catharine “Muffy” Chappleton attempts to eat salsa made by her cat. “Everyone here feels a deep, painful heaving in the abdominal region,” claimed Head of Authorized Authorities Rock Flapsnoggle. “However the public reacts we intend to handle it. Why, we’ve even put Gary Coleman on the speed dial!” Despite the potential for violence and really bad stuff, the woman at the center of attention remains resolute. “Of course I’ll do it,” said the 142-pound Chappleton, who made headlines last year with her congealed mustard sculpture of Sherman Hemsley. “See, a few weeks ago my cat, Brian Norton’s Clam Hut, was being naughty — you know, clawing the furniture and promoting tax breaks for the wealthy. Then one day, I’m lighting rocking chairs on fire and think, ‘Hey, what better way to show someone you care than to eat their salsa?’ Actually, I’ve never eaten salsa, so you can see the commitment right there.” And what will Chappleton do if Brian Norton’s Clam Hut does not respond favorably? “Eh, no big deal. I’ll probably just expose myself to some dude at the mall.”

Musharraf has promised to return democratic control of the country just as soon as he gets sick of the crown.

In a 78-21 decision late last night, the United States Senate approved a resolution calling the ongoing political violence in Pakistan an “absolute clusterfuck”. Analysts are reeling from this development, which they believe is the Government’s response to yesterday’s savage beating of Writers’ Guild picketers by members of Musharraf’s national guard. Musharraf’s press secretary said only that, “protesters of any sort will not be tolerated,” and, “they had better hurry up and get 24 back on the air.”

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Prominent Ewok Chub-Chub is dead today, just three days after signing with the Minnesota Vikings. An unauthorized party cruise turned fatal early this morning, as the inebriated victim reportedly fell overboard after a scuffle with a guy in a Darth Vader mask.
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