Hello Gravites and Gravettes! Seeing as how it’s Valentine’s Day (actually it’s the day after Valentine’s Day, but never mind that), Laughterhouse has deemed fit to use our infinite knowledge to help all of you flunkies by publishing a guide to affairs of the heart. If you use this guide appropriately, none of you will have to spend yesterday by yourselves! Unfortunately we chose to let our science officer write the guide, so it’s a bit technical. It may help to refer to the diagram that we’ve provided.

In this Guide we will describe how the heart works and many of the different ways you can use the heart to get into the pants of the person you care about. As we all know, the heart is the organ that pumps blood to the various limbs and fiddly bits of our body. Without this function we would immediately die, so the heart is often called a vital organ, or supriorgan. It has often been claimed that the heart is the center and source of emotion in the human body. This is of course completely true, but before we can discuss that we must describe how the heart functions:

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To: All Staff
From: Mr. Mackrelvaney, Director of Humane Resources
Subject: Holiday Party Recap

It was great to spend time with all of you at the holiday party last week. I’m sure we all agree that it was a memorable occasion.

In an effort to have an even better time next year, here are a few guidelines you should keep in mind.

• Animal Husbandry: It’s nice to know that Kyle in Receiving was president of his 4H Club in 10th grade. But I don’t think it was necessary to get him drunk enough to believe there was an American Idol Best of Bestiality Award. Let’s be clear: sheep are no longer welcome at our annual holiday party. By the way, Kyle, I hope it was ok that I mentioned your name.
  
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Author’s Note: This post was a response to monkz’s post, “You Shall Not Pass”.