After the sad realization that we will never find love through conventional means, we forlornly created accounts on several online dating sites (Match.com, JDate, the Federal Sex Offenders Directory, etc). After perusing the profiles of fellow users, we've compiled this list of "red flags" for you to look out for when using these sites. If you see any of the following in someone's profile, you should avoid dating them at all costs. They probably write for LaughterHouse.

• I only date people I’m able to carry… long distances…
• I sell children’s shoes (yes, I’m a pedophile!).
  (Note: Latin familiar people may get that joke more than others)
• I am an ax collector.
• I am a tax collector.
  (Continue reading…)

1. Take care of your genitals. I kind of designed them at the last second, so they don’t really last as long as the rest of thine body.
2. It is not possible for me to microwave a burrito so hot that even I can not eat it. Trust me, I’ve tried.
3. Thou shalt go ahead and cross Leviticus right out, it was just a rough draft I made one night when I was high.
4. The Virgin Mary is not my lover. She’s just a girl who says that I am the one. But the kid is not my son.
5. Thou shalt scream my name whilst having sex, and I’ll take a looksee. Bonus points if you’re committing adultery, that shit is hot.
6. Remember the Sabbath Day and keep it real. Don’t let anyone fuck with you on the Sabbath Day.
   (Continue reading…)

1. “I’m a zamboni driver.”
2. “I’m a superhero as his alter-ego.”
3. “I’m a serial murderer. No really, I’m a serial murderer. Follow me to this dark room.”
4. “I’m a werewolf. What? It’s daytime!”
5. “I bought the Invisible Man costume, but the small text said it was only invisible to the wearer”
6. “I’m a store clerk”
7. “I’m your average Joe”
8. “I’m sick of people asking me what my costume is.” (then proceed to punch person in the face)
9. “I’m dressed as (insert your name here). What didn’t you recognize I’m really (insert name of friend)? I really worked hard on my costume.”
10. “I’m a Stormtrooper on his day off”

1. Start talking about your plentiful and varied career choices, and then bring up the large sums you will make. Ask them about their future. Show them the average salaries of 14-year-olds who work in Burger King so that they can see the similarities.
2. Give them “a piece of writing” and tell them to thoroughly analyze the style, structure, narrative voice, themes, and overall effect. When this is done, kindly explain that what you just gave them was the Spanish version of the warnings inside a roll of duct tape.
3. Go online and send them an instant message that says “I is god” and then sign off before they get a chance to correct your grammar or explain in 507 pages (with an ever-evolving thesis) why you can’t be god because that role is already inhabited by Shakespeare, Twain, Hemingway, Joyce, or Salinger – whomsoever happens to be their preference.
4. Write down two short, preferable casually connected, ideas in sentence form. Erase the period between the two sentences, don’t capitalize the first letter in the second sentence, and then connect the two thoughts using a COLON.
5. Spend twenty minutes or more attempting to convince them that The Great Gatsby is actually the greatest book ever written despite the fact that Fitzgerald is the most overrated writer in the course of history (well, at least second only to Hawthorne), and that the characters are all obnoxiously unlikable, the themes clichéd, and the symbolism atrocious. Include as part of your argument that the fact that all high school students nation- and world-wide read and thoroughly enjoyed this novel. Then stand on your head.
6. Tell them that dictionaries (the real kind, not the internet ones) are merely a result of a highly contained government conspiracy to alter the vocabulary of American citizens that was halted because the government realized that no one actually used them.
7. Tell them that their interpretation of feminism in Jane Eyre was decent, but the one written by the physics major in the second row was significantly better.
8. Walk up to them and say, “This ignominy makes me feel esoteric!!!” Shake them a few times to ensure that they’ve gotten the point.
9. Using a computer science major, hack into the English major’s many email accounts and unsubscribe from all internet “Word of the Day” calendars.
10. Inform them that in a Pythagorean triangle, with side a, b, and c, with c being the hypotenuse, a² + b² will essentially always be equal to c² no matter what tense it’s written in or what diction you use, and there is NO implied metaphor.