In a world where the Justice Department thinks it’s perfectly legal to spy on Americans and people post pictures of themselves performing unspeakable acts on small animals, one magazine decided to jump on the bandwagon. This is the story of five stereotypes, picked to spill their most personal fantasies, because we feel like it. Behold the sexy!
Jack Auwz, totally awesome dude:
There I was at the Ultimate Band concert playing at Landmine Field. It was a full crowd, rocking their balls off to the wiles of Elvis on vocals, Chewbacca on drums, Gambit on Electric Guitar, Bruce Lee on keyboard and the Grim Reaper playing bass. I was having sex with 10 girls in the front row but I needed a drink so I put them all on pause and headed over to the bar. The bartender, who happened to be my good friend Humphrey Bogart, gave me the perfect Manhattan. SUDDENLY! Jesus strafed onto the stage shooting dual RCP90s at a determined Clint Eastwood firing off his Chainsaw-Gun. Both of them ran out of bullets and had to pull out their giant titanium hockey sticks. As they were fighting it was getting a bit hot and heavy with bodies flying everywhere so I had to contact my airlift out. An Apache helicopter loaded with babes came flying into the concert and we all flew to the safety of my ultimate pirate ship. My ultimate pirate ship consisted of weapons far beyond the mental capacity of a simple aircraft carrier. Instead of cannons we had rail guns and my first mate was a highly skilled monkey who could count to 42. With balls in hand we set out to find even more babes, and to complete our ever-growing list of what is flammable in this universe.
Jackie April Price, preteen girl:
So, there I was, talking about shoes, when suddenly Johnny Depp came into the room riding not one, but TWO ponies. I said bye to my friend Chelsea and after putting on my best dress (which Johnny waited patiently for me to do) we left to go to the Rainbow Restaurant. Johnny ordered for me the best food I’d ever had and I didn’t even gain any weight. I talked all about my problems and Johnny listened intently. Then after he paid the bill we went shopping and made love in the middle of the mall where everyone could see I was sleeping with the one and only Depp. My friends were so jealous. Then we walked along the beach where we talked about all things not related to titanium hockey sticks and helicopters. Then he took me back to his dreamy pirate ship and with expensive wine in hand we sailed off into the sunset. We’re getting married next week and all the plans were already made by Martha Stewart (pre-prison).
Femily Spalger, fashionista:
It all began when I woke up in the morning to the soft breeze of Karl Lagerfeld’s Chanel fan coaxing me awake. Karl informed me that he would be my magical host throughout the day and took me to Christian LaCroix to pick up the most fabulous princess dress there ever was, and then to Cartier for the appropriate adornments. We then slinked into a classic stretch limo, only to see the entire cast of Queer Eye waiting for us with glasses full of champagne and gift bags of accessories from Louis Vuitton, Versace, Yves Saint Laurent, Kate Spade, Vera Wang, Armani and Gucci, complete with an entire sampling of Dior perfumes and Godiva chocolates. Then Karl bought me a puppy, and we caught a flight to Paris where he insisted that I try on the entire new line so that all of it could be fitted to my body. He said that I am the new beautiful and that all women should aspire to look just like me, and from now on all Chanel clothing (which I could have for free) would be fitted exactly to my body type. To celebrate, the guys and I got mani-pedis at a posh Parisian salon and flew to Florence where we attended a club full of sexy, well-dressed men with tousled hair and appropriate amounts of stubble, only (to Carson’s dismay) not a single one was gay! I was the only woman in the room, so I had a horrible time picking and choosing which ones I would be bringing back to the states with me to be my personal servants in my new Victorian mansion (and butlers in my additional Manhattan penthouse suite and Savannah vacation home). My new cohorts and I spent that evening in London in a special suite in Buckingham Palace specially designated to me by the Queen for “any time I should want to stop by” and I had 27 orgasms. OMG you guys! Best dream EVAR!
Jimothy Hawthweld, wealthy business mogul:
I stand before my newly built Polo-Golf course, a sport that I invented just to even out the numbers of Pulitzers on my fireplace mantel. I pull my fingers through my long lush mane of hair and feel the blood coursing through my healthy supple arteries as I take my final shot at not one, but TWO endangered ponies. I sip a deliciously aged cognac while driving 10 cars at once back to my mansion, where I’m welcomed by both my trophy wife and my trophy mistress. I then ravish them both with my erect and fully functioning penis. My 22-year-old wife is secretly cheating on me with Cary Grant, and my 16-year-old Asian trophy mistress is cheating on me with my son. My son, speak of the devil, is at Harvard and Oxford at the same time. He’s the star quarterback on the Harvard Doctor Football Team, and nailing every cheerleader at the same time. I also have a daughter who is perfectly chaste in every way. She one day plans to be a housewife! I soon join my friends in the financial district to go to a fancy lunch and tea; we talk about old times on my perfect lawn, which was showcased in National Geographic, causing several suicides among my jealous neighbors. I am delighted to see in the paper that all rock and roll rubbish was replaced by several newly created compositions by Mozart, Rossini, Gershwin, and Chopin. Finally, my waiter, Anthony Hopkins, brings me the finest Cuban cigar, made from the sweet blood of Cuban orphans.
Goku Naruto, well-rounded geek:
I was playing World of Warcraft on seven super computers at the same time, and all my characters had maximum statistics. I was running Mac OS XXX and Windows Vista 2 on top of Linux: Perfect Edition. I was a legend on the entire Internet, which I invented, and my opinion was actually listened to, and it was the final word on all debates. All the pictures of myself that I posted worked on the first try, and I didn’t even have to Photoshop them. And then I got emails from all the hot girls on MySpace, JDate, and OKCupid asking to have sex with them. My mother even gave me the car keys so I could drive myself to their houses, and while I was having sex with each girl, I would have cybersex with 10 other girls using my iPod with Linux and Satellite Wireless Internet installed. Then once I was back I played the World Wide Web until I won. Then Jean-Luc Picard beamed down and told me he needed me to install a Hyperdrive Engine on his ship, and I finally got a chance to use my knowledge of Hyperdrive Engines that I had written my thesis on. Then all my hair grew back! But it was actually a Tribble that had crawled onto my head and, oh, how we lolled. We then set our course to Deep Space, where no man has ever gone before! Spock was there, and he knew all the quotes from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, so we had a quote battle. I won, so Spock taught me the ability to knock people out with a single touch. When we returned to Earth, I went to my friend Chuck Norris’ house and showed him my new move. AND I MADE CHUCK NORRIS BLINK! And then we lolled some more and drank Mountain Dew out of shot glasses. Best episode ever!
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published in the Spring 2007 issue of Gravity Magazine.
