To: All Staff
From: Mr. Mackrelvaney, Director of Humane Resources
Subject: Holiday Party Recap

It was great to spend time with all of you at the holiday party last week. I’m sure we all agree that it was a memorable occasion.

In an effort to have an even better time next year, here are a few guidelines you should keep in mind.

• Animal Husbandry: It’s nice to know that Kyle in Receiving was president of his 4H Club in 10th grade. But I don’t think it was necessary to get him drunk enough to believe there was an American Idol Best of Bestiality Award. Let’s be clear: sheep are no longer welcome at our annual holiday party. By the way, Kyle, I hope it was ok that I mentioned your name.
  

• Fireworks: The fire marshal didn’t seem to enjoy the cherry bombs as much as you guys in the mailroom. There will be no fireworks in the future.
• “Thou shalt not covet your neighbor’s wife:” You wouldn’t think we’d need to post the ten commandments before company events, but apparently we shalt. While there is nothing specifically noted in the company handbook about adultery, I am certain that the section on sexual harassment covers the “Jello Shots For Jesus” game initiated by an anonymous accountant who sits on the east side of the 4th floor whose name rhymes with fave. Don’t let it happen again.
• Demolition Derby: Although many of you are NASCAR fans who can recite Smokey And The Bandit dialog verbatim, you will need to use the provided valet parking next year. “Touch parking” at 40 miles per hour will not be tolerated.

And for those of you who concern yourself with the corporate nondiscrimination policy, have no fear – Hanukkah: Whereas we understand that some of our Jewish employees felt it necessary to bring a keg of Manischewitz wine, we still feel that the “Jewish Ninja” posse that was formed between the hours of 1 AM and 4:30 AM was quite out of line. The use of the stainless steel decorations as “Throwing Stars of David” was not only inappropriate but also quite harmful to the 14 employees currently in the hospital. Also, EMTs have still not been able to remove the ritual decorative candelabra from Johnson’s colon.

Thank you for your consideration. Our corporate attorney will be contacting some of you shortly to arrange bail. You know who you are.