Hello Gravites and Gravettes! Seeing as how it’s Valentine’s Day (actually it’s the day after Valentine’s Day, but never mind that), Laughterhouse has deemed fit to use our infinite knowledge to help all of you flunkies by publishing a guide to affairs of the heart. If you use this guide appropriately, none of you will have to spend yesterday by yourselves! Unfortunately we chose to let our science officer write the guide, so it’s a bit technical. It may help to refer to the diagram that we’ve provided.

In this Guide we will describe how the heart works and many of the different ways you can use the heart to get into the pants of the person you care about. As we all know, the heart is the organ that pumps blood to the various limbs and fiddly bits of our body. Without this function we would immediately die, so the heart is often called a vital organ, or supriorgan. It has often been claimed that the heart is the center and source of emotion in the human body. This is of course completely true, but before we can discuss that we must describe how the heart functions:

Deoxygenated blood from the body arrives in the Right Atrium. Muscles in the atrium warmly welcome the blood into its home, and then quickly usher it down into the Right Ventricle through the triassic valve. It is the contracting of these muscles that produces the distinctive sound of the heart: lub-dub-a-bim-bam-boom. Mucus slowly builds up in the ventricle until the blood is so disgusted that it rushes into the Pulmonary Artery and stops in the Lungs, where there is a cheap bar and a wonderful view of the esophageal lining. Once oxygenated, the blood returns to the Left Atrium and is forced through the tricuspid period into the 2^nd Left Atrium. The 2^nd left atrium is an entirely useless chamber, and because of this is considered altogether silly. The blood embarrassedly rushes away from this chamber as fast as it can, and ends up in the Tubey Thing, which sends it to the brain, liver, and exactly 3 other organs which use blood to survive.

Of course, the heart itself needs blood to survive, which is why it has the Heart’s Heart. The heart’s heart is a tiny scale model of the heart located approximately 2 km below the right ventricle which pumps blood to the heart itself. It has been hypothesized that there is a Heart's Heart's Heart, but this theory has been denounced as being downright silly. Nearby is the Heart’s Brain, which is a complete snob and should be ignored at all times.

To give the heart all of the power it needs to pump blood and kick ass, it relies on the Mitochondrion Chamber. Inside of this tiny factory you can find thousands of Nephrons working day and night shoveling coal into furnaces to keep your heart running. Because of poor working conditions these Nephrons may go on strike, leading to a potentially fatal condition known as Heartitis. Also, Heartburn is caused when an accident in the mitochondrion factory causes an out of control fire. Every time you have heartburn it is quite likely that dozens of your Nephrons have perished in the blaze.

Nobody knows what function The Tasty Part of your heart has, but scientists are nearly unanimous that it is delicious in a garlic cream sauce.

There you have it: everything you need to know to get the girl of your dreams. Happy Hunting!