Sure social interactions are sparse, and sure the only female interactions you can get are with the operator at the Nintendo hotline, but at least you have your weekly trip to the supermarket, right? If this is all you’ve got, you’ve got to cram in all the social interactions you’ll need for the week.Here are some helpful hints to get the most out of your shopping experience:

• Did you just notice a woman take the same brand mayonnaise as you? This isn’t a coincidence, you two are meant to be together. Prominently place your jar at the top of your cart so she can see how much you two have in common. Romance is sure to follow.
• There’s no better place to woo a woman than the produce aisle. First, break the ice in the salad section. Try a ‘lettuce get out of here’ joke to show her your great sense of humor. Then get her aroused by raising your eyebrows suggestively while she’s browsing the cucumbers. (In a pinch, carrots or zucchini will suffice.) Then, seal the deal by coyly mentioning that many cultures believe the avocado to have aphrodisiac properties. Refrain from mentioning that those cultures require that the avocado be used as a suppository, intact, for the aphrodisiac properties to take effect.
• If you actually manage to start a conversation, and she asks you what the watermelon is for, lie! Nothing can quash a potential relationship faster than the truth. The same lying policy applies if she asks about the vegetable oil, Crisco, tomato sauce, or freezer bagels. Practice your responses beforehand, in front of a mirror, to make sure they seem plausible. Remember: “They’re for eating.”
• Even if you can’t muster up the courage to meet a woman, you might as well make a friend or two. There’s no better place for male camaraderie than the butcher’s counter. Vegetarian? No problem! Buy all the meat it takes to make friends, you can always return it later. For conversation starters, try discussing beer, pubes, or a recent sporting event. If things get awkward, fall back on misogyny.
• Even if all your other attempts to socialize fail, you’re at least guaranteed one interaction during checkout. Don’t take ‘¿qué?’ for an answer; be determined to make a friend! Use the bountiful subjects of groceries or the weather as a conversation starter, or initiate a bonding experience by working together to make fun of the bag-boy’s attempts to separate the plastic bags.

No luck? That’s okay, you can always try again next week!