Local authorities are on high alert today, just three days before beloved Nicaraguan engineering scholar Catharine “Muffy” Chappleton attempts to eat salsa made by her cat. “Everyone here feels a deep, painful heaving in the abdominal region,” claimed Head of Authorized Authorities Rock Flapsnoggle. “However the public reacts we intend to handle it. Why, we’ve even put Gary Coleman on the speed dial!” Despite the potential for violence and really bad stuff, the woman at the center of attention remains resolute. “Of course I’ll do it,” said the 142-pound Chappleton, who made headlines last year with her congealed mustard sculpture of Sherman Hemsley. “See, a few weeks ago my cat, Brian Norton’s Clam Hut, was being naughty — you know, clawing the furniture and promoting tax breaks for the wealthy. Then one day, I’m lighting rocking chairs on fire and think, ‘Hey, what better way to show someone you care than to eat their salsa?’ Actually, I’ve never eaten salsa, so you can see the commitment right there.” And what will Chappleton do if Brian Norton’s Clam Hut does not respond favorably? “Eh, no big deal. I’ll probably just expose myself to some dude at the mall.”