"These are not your average genitals"

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Prof, on grading papers: "I do have mother's day to contend with." "Could I just shoot you an email?" "You could shoot my mother."

You can't rerun fucking history.

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�Countries in Africa have no business introducing free healthcare, free education.�

" 'I come and go between your kidneys'? That doesn't say anything to you?"

What does "presto agitato" mean? Not just fast as hell, but agitatedly so.

"So you're making cheeseburgers for all of your classmates... wow, this example worked better when I didn't teach at Brandeis."

It's not pornographic, unfortunately.

Suppose talking to your roommate is psychologically uncomfortable, and costs $31.

There were probably giraffes who were too tall and when they leaned over their head was too heavy and they bent over to eat and they fell and died, so we reached an equilibrium of giraffes.

I'll get your midterms back in time for you to drop the class.

"YouTube is a great learning place."