"A regular person--well, not a regular person--a non-Asian American can't get in [to UC Berkeley]."

"Monstrare--from Latin, 'to show.' A monster is something that shows up and scares the hell out of you."

"I know you're trying to get through your essay. However, I also know you're full of shit."

"Let's be classy. Let's be sophisticated. Let's be Mr. Peanut."

"[Nietzsche] is like diarrhea of the mouth, except it's shit on a page."

Babies are possessed. They must be related to my cat

Yeah, it made them bleed to death...But it's also a medicine.

"I'm spinning around like Dr. Clock!"

None other than John Bolton has come to my defense...which has made me very uncomfortable.

Why is eff you. It's just notation, not a sentence.

Oh, yeah, I'm kind of bad at math.

"The Fore were cannibals. They believed that if you ate the brains of you're enemy, you'd gain their courage and wisdom. As it turns out, they also gained their enemy's Cruetzfeldt-Jakob disease."

Imagine yourself in a ditch. You’re in a ditch because you’ve been sleeping there. Get up

Your ass shall be seized in front of you, which is physically impossible

I wouldn't pick up a piece of smelly cheese and stick it in my nose. It'd be a waste of cheese.