The Streets Run Red With Donated Blood.

Boston, MA: Tragedy struck early this morning when a van used by the American Red Cross to transport blood donations collided with a truck on a crowded street near Central Square. Although nobody was injured, gallons of blood were sprayed around the area in a scene that has been described as “the most gruesome accident to ever occur in Boston”.

Amelia Windthorax, 28, was an eyewitness to the horrid affair. “It all happened so fast,” she told us, “The Red Cross van turned the corner and then the other truck just barreled right into it. Suddenly everybody on the street was screaming ‘blood! blood!’ and running for their lives. There was a five foot wall of red sweeping down the street, washing away both cars and people. It was almost as bad as the time I watched Ghost Rider.”

Medics appeared on the scene within 20 minutes of the crash. Ambulance driver Cumulo Discord, 33, described the scene as “one of the most horrifying emergencies I’ve ever been called to.” “It was unreal. The blood, the blood was everywhere. We were literally wading through people’s blood. There were people weeping in the streets. I haven’t seen anything this bad since the Tyson Turkey Giblet Truck wiped out on I94 ten years back. We were scraping entrails off the side of the road for months.”

Oh God The Humanity!

There will be a small memorial service for the victims of this tragedy tonight, most of whom will be unable to attend because they have been ordered to drink lots of fluids and not participate in any strenuous activity for at least 24 hours.

It was determined that the cause of the accident was faulty brakes in the truck, however this has come as little consolation to traumatized victims such as Furchild Chevy, who told us that he felt he had “lost exactly two pints of himself”. We spoke to Winston Cathedralknoll, 47, the driver of the ill-fated Blood-mobile. He had been rushed to Massachusetts General Hospital with a light bruise to the upper arm.

“I won’t never be able to forget this. The impact took me by complete surprise, and then I felt something cold my leg. At first I thought that my Pepsi had spilled, but then I looked down and saw that I was covered in [fellow driver John] Finemale’s blood.”

Winston was unable to continue speaking to us because he burst into a fresh round of tears. John Finemale, 43, had donated blood earlier that day.