JUNEAU, AK. A group of international scientists have converged on a research center in the remote northern wilderness of Alaska to study the phenomenon known as the “Areola Borealis”. What makes this expedition noteworthy is the fact that the entire research project is being funded out-of-pocket by the pooled resources of the scientists themselves, who were unable to obtain any grants for their research. “This remarkable phenomenon is one of the things that make our planet wonderful,” said a visibly excited Norman G. Zongas, PhD, “and it’s a shame the rest of the academic community fails to be as titillated as we are by the opportunity to learn more about the Areola Borealis.”

 

The Areola Borealis, which can be found a bit south of the ‘Northern Lights’, but is rarely studied in great detail out of politeness, has long intrigued scientists, who consider it to be the third most sensual natural phenomenon, after Antonio Banderas and the constellation that looks like a vulva. The scientists have allocated several years to this project, as the complete absence of any prior knowledge about the Areola requires that they work from the ground up.

To facilitate their work, the scientists have constructed two domed observatories, side by side, near their encampment. The second observatory cost an additional $18 million dollars, but when questioned about the seemingly unnecessary expense, the scientists just giggled.