Worried about the Freshman Fifteen? Well it gets worse. The Sophomore Seventeen. The Junior Jazillion. The Senior Seventy. You’re gonna be one fat mother. But don’t panic! Help is on the way, my friend. We at LaughterHouse Labs have developed, for you, our precious consumer, the diet to answer all your needs. None of that sissy pansy low-carb shit, and no exercise for you lazy fucks out there. And you probably won’t have to worry about changing your diet too much, since this is all you goddamned kids seem to eat anyway. That’s right, it’s the Easy Mac® Diet!

You may not know it, but the Food Guide Pyramid that you’ve been reading off the back of Cheerios boxes for all those years actually includes Easy Mac! The Pyramid can’t be wrong. The Pyramid knows all. And your favorite food, Easy Mac, fits into every category! Just see the ingredients list below, if you don’t believe us.

“Eat Easy Mac four times a day? It can’t be done!” You might say. Well. . . shut the hell up. We’ve provided some recipe cards to make the transition easier for you.

Remember: Follow this diet strictly, and in just one semester’s time you can be gorgeous, just the like the writers of LaughterHouse. If you should fail to eat only Easy Mac, you’re surely doomed to fatty fat fat doom.

Writer’s Note: This was published in the Fall 2004 Issue of Gravity Magazine. I’ll also mention that for vegans (which I wasn’t when I wrote this, but am now), this diet can easily be replicated with Mac n’ Chreese.

This article is not endorsed by Kraft®, Phillip Morris, or skinny people.