Sorry, son. Your grandmother went in for an OPERATION and didn’t wake up! Try to amuse yourself with some of these board games we picked up at the asylum’s garage sale last week.

Editor’s Note: ACHTUNGSTEN! This article contains images and ideas that are probably not suitable for the easily offended, and definitely not suitable for anyone under the age of 18. If you fall into either of these categories, it would probably be best for everyone if you avoided the ‘more’ link.

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Prominent Ewok Chub-Chub is dead today, just three days after signing with the Minnesota Vikings. An unauthorized party cruise turned fatal early this morning, as the inebriated victim reportedly fell overboard after a scuffle with a guy in a Darth Vader mask.
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Dear Cat Fancy:
I am deeply offended that you did not run my photo of Mr. Pickles. He is very upset, judging by the projectile vomiting and the constant clawing at his custom-made sailor costume. You call yourself a fan of felines? You, sir, are a phony, and I plan to cancel my subscription after I receive my free kitty litter tote bag.
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Do you like
To cut your wrists?
I sometimes like to.
I am Chris.
I sometimes like
To cut my wrists.

Would you wipe the blood up
with a cloth?

Would you wear black
with a goth?

I like to cut them
With a knife

I like to cut them.
I hate my life.

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When my arbitrarily assigned housing lottery number determined that I’m the coolest senior ever, I got all excited and megalomaniacal about being able to exclude people I think are assholes and banishing them to the Village or the gulag we call “Grad.” Then my minions of coolness and I would have alcohol-doused parties just to show the extent of our awesomeness.
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Tooth fairy still up in the air

Recent scientific discoveries by world renown biologist Richard Dawkins, premiered to the world on the top-rated educational show, South Park, have finally settled, once and for all, the question of theism.

Many of the mainstream religious releaders (The Pope, Pat Robertson, The Dali Lama, George W. Bush, Pat Sajack, Tom Cruise) were surprisingly unfazed by this revelation, almost as if they knew it all along. Thousands upon thousands of monks (called in from the J.C. Army Reserve) immediately set to work revising bibles of all references to their previous deities, replacing them with The Loch Ness Monster (in the case of christianity), The Tooth Fairy (in the case of Jusiasm), and an priest who isn’t attracted to little boys (in the case of Islam).

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“Of course,” I said to her as I briskly swept the room for bugs, “your government will have to pay me quite a bit of money to sabotage this magazine.” I offered her a seat in the chair by the corner, where the streetlight fell through the blinds in a matter that seemed so becoming of this genre.
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