"And now Jim.  Okay, Jim.  Go.  Jim?  Any time now.  Cut!"  Matt rubbed his forehead.  "Jim?"

"Just give me a second."

"Right."

Jim took a deep breath and tried to relax.  "I'm okay, I'm okay. Let's go again."

"You're sure?"

"Totally.  I am ready."

"Okay!  Cue music!  Action!"

The scene unfolded.  "Okay.  Missy?  Now Jim.  Jim.  Jim.  Now, Jim. Now!  Cut!"

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Disturbed college student Miranda Gasbag became a vigilante yesterday, taking pictures of a man eating on the subway and posting them on the Internet. "I couldn't believe it," said Gasbag, "I was truly horrified. He was just sitting right out in the open, gnawing away on a pastrami sandwich. His mouth was this gaping hole, engulfing these pieces of meat, engorging itself as it stretched to take in the load. I — I think I saw his uvula." Gasbag's strong overbearing moral character quickly sprang into action. "Now, most people would faint away at such a sight, but not me. I got a few shots with my cameraphone and got off at the next stop." To Gasbag's surprise, the police were less than helpful. "They said flashers aren't a top priority, especially if they don't actually touch you. And can you believe, eating in public is legal?! I mean, we can't stop people from doing it in the privacy of their own homes, but to be harassed like I was? What if there were children around?" Gasbag takes comfort in the power of mob justice, but says it's not enough. "Sure, the pervert's face is online, but public shaming only goes so far. Honestly, what good is a government if it can't even protect people from being offended?"

Editor's Note: Reprinted from Gravity Magazine, Fall 2005.

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Sorry, son. Your grandmother went in for an OPERATION and didn’t wake up! Try to amuse yourself with some of these board games we picked up at the asylum’s garage sale last week.

Editor’s Note: ACHTUNGSTEN! This article contains images and ideas that are probably not suitable for the easily offended, and definitely not suitable for anyone under the age of 18. If you fall into either of these categories, it would probably be best for everyone if you avoided the ‘more’ link.

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Worried about the Freshman Fifteen? Well it gets worse. The Sophomore Seventeen. The Junior Jazillion. The Senior Seventy. You’re gonna be one fat mother. But don’t panic! Help is on the way, my friend. We at LaughterHouse Labs have developed, for you, our precious consumer, the diet to answer all your needs. None of that sissy pansy low-carb shit, and no exercise for you lazy fucks out there. And you probably won’t have to worry about changing your diet too much, since this is all you goddamned kids seem to eat anyway. That’s right, it’s the Easy Mac® Diet!

You may not know it, but the Food Guide Pyramid that you’ve been reading off the back of Cheerios boxes for all those years actually includes Easy Mac! The Pyramid can’t be wrong. The Pyramid knows all. And your favorite food, Easy Mac, fits into every category! Just see the ingredients list below, if you don’t believe us.

“Eat Easy Mac four times a day? It can’t be done!” You might say. Well. . . shut the hell up. We’ve provided some recipe cards to make the transition easier for you.

Remember: Follow this diet strictly, and in just one semester’s time you can be gorgeous, just the like the writers of LaughterHouse. If you should fail to eat only Easy Mac, you’re surely doomed to fatty fat fat doom.

Writer’s Note: This was published in the Fall 2004 Issue of Gravity Magazine. I’ll also mention that for vegans (which I wasn’t when I wrote this, but am now), this diet can easily be replicated with Mac n’ Chreese.

This article is not endorsed by Kraft®, Phillip Morris, or skinny people.

Prominent Ewok Chub-Chub is dead today, just three days after signing with the Minnesota Vikings. An unauthorized party cruise turned fatal early this morning, as the inebriated victim reportedly fell overboard after a scuffle with a guy in a Darth Vader mask.
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Dear Cat Fancy:
I am deeply offended that you did not run my photo of Mr. Pickles. He is very upset, judging by the projectile vomiting and the constant clawing at his custom-made sailor costume. You call yourself a fan of felines? You, sir, are a phony, and I plan to cancel my subscription after I receive my free kitty litter tote bag.
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Do you like
To cut your wrists?
I sometimes like to.
I am Chris.
I sometimes like
To cut my wrists.

Would you wipe the blood up
with a cloth?

Would you wear black
with a goth?

I like to cut them
With a knife

I like to cut them.
I hate my life.

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This dude smells funny,
Is four feet tall and furry.
Must go to Brandeis.

Mama! Mama! WILL
You shut your fucking ugly
Baby the fuck UP?

Skinny skank, don’t glare
At me with that bitch face on-
I’ll fucking eat you.

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When my arbitrarily assigned housing lottery number determined that I’m the coolest senior ever, I got all excited and megalomaniacal about being able to exclude people I think are assholes and banishing them to the Village or the gulag we call “Grad.” Then my minions of coolness and I would have alcohol-doused parties just to show the extent of our awesomeness.
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