The Streets Run Red With Donated Blood.

Boston, MA: Tragedy struck early this morning when a van used by the American Red Cross to transport blood donations collided with a truck on a crowded street near Central Square. Although nobody was injured, gallons of blood were sprayed around the area in a scene that has been described as “the most gruesome accident to ever occur in Boston”.

Amelia Windthorax, 28, was an eyewitness to the horrid affair. “It all happened so fast,” she told us, “The Red Cross van turned the corner and then the other truck just barreled right into it. Suddenly everybody on the street was screaming ‘blood! blood!’ and running for their lives. There was a five foot wall of red sweeping down the street, washing away both cars and people. It was almost as bad as the time I watched Ghost Rider.”
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Tepeko, MO – Shirley Kemla’s assumption that her fiancée had misspelled their evening’s activity was proved wrong yesterday, when it turned out he had made neither a spelling nor a typing error when emailing her a description of their plans for the night.

The crust in question.
(Click to enlarge)

“Let’s visit my parents tonight,” wrote Brian Howard, Shirley’s fiancée, “my parents realized that you had never seen our family crust, and thought you might get a kick out of it.” Mistakenly assuming that Brian had meant ‘crest’, Shirley agreed. She was very surprised, then, when she discovered that he was describing an 80-year old accumulation of spilled food, drink, and bodily effluence on an heirloom dining room table.
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Pittsburgh, PA, Feb. 30: The recently deceased have risen from their graves and demanded both basic human rights and tasty human flesh. The incident began almost a week ago, when several thousand corpses climbed out of their graves, coffins, and concrete shoes in the riverbed. At first they were content to wander around aimlessly, but soon they began to work together to swarm the city’s residential areas and demand fair housing prices, the right to different vitality marriages, and succulent human entrails. The city’s residents were quick to flee, presumably because of the inevitable drop in real estate prices, but the high volume of traffic on the highways caused severe congestion that several zombies described as a “tasty meat buffet”.

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Musharraf has promised to return democratic control of the country just as soon as he gets sick of the crown.

In a 78-21 decision late last night, the United States Senate approved a resolution calling the ongoing political violence in Pakistan an “absolute clusterfuck”. Analysts are reeling from this development, which they believe is the Government’s response to yesterday’s savage beating of Writers’ Guild picketers by members of Musharraf’s national guard. Musharraf’s press secretary said only that, “protesters of any sort will not be tolerated,” and, “they had better hurry up and get 24 back on the air.”

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