THE POURTRON 5000 INFOMERCIAL
INT. SOUNDSTAGE DRESSED AS A KITCHEN - DAY
HOST
How many times has this happened to
you?
In black and white, we see a wife set breakfast in front of
her husband. The breakfast is set on a large platter
containing a stack of pancakes, sausage, eggs, potatoes,
fruit, cereal, other eggs, mini-pancakes, and cheeeeeese.
HUSBAND
Thanks, honey, this looks great!
Can I have some juice to wash it
down with?
WIFE
Sure!
HOST (V.O.)
You want to pour some juice, but it
just takes too gosh-darn long!
The wife goes into the kitchen and begins pouring juice into
a glass from a carton. When she turns back to the table, her
husband's plate is clear and he is gone. Through the window,
outside, she sees her husband sloppily making out with a
younger woman who's holding a glass of juice in her hand.
GUEST
It feels like it happens every day!
HOST
Tell me about it!
The AUDIENCE applauses.
GUEST
No, you tell me about it!
HOST
Okay! Well, the good folks over at
the Algamated Pourtron Corporation
have finally come up with a
solution with their latest record
breaking product, the Pourtron
5000!
GUEST
No fucking way!
This time in color, we see the wife open the fridge and pull
out a carton of juice, unscrew the cap, and screw on a metal
spout in its place. She pours the juice into the glass with
no noticeable difference in speed. She turns and hands the
glass to her husband, who smashes it against the wall, takes
her into his arms, and passionately kisses her while rolling
around on the breakfast platter.
HOST
That's right - the Pourtron 5000
will save your marriage!
The AUDIENCE applauses.
GUEST
But what else will it do?
HOST
Well, if you order today, we'll
throw in the packaging for free!
GUEST
Is that all?
HOST
But wait, that's not all!
GUEST
Oh.
HOST
Order today, and we'll throw in two
DVD-quality VHS copies of this
interview! A $20 value, for free!
GUEST
Holy shit!
The AUDIENCE applauses.
HOST
Over the course of your lifetime,
this product is guaranteed to save
you up to an hour in wasted pour
time!
LAWYER (V.O.)
(Speaking super fast.)
Guarantee only valid for
professional juice pourers in the
states of Michigan, South Carolina,
and Communist China.
HOST
Why, with that kind of free time,
you can contemplate how you've
wasted your life acting in ripoff
infomercials!
HOST screws a Pourtron 5000 onto an orange-juice container
labeled 'poison', and chugs it. He falls over backwards. A
blue card with white lettering appears on the screen with an
800 number and ordering information.
BLACKOUT.
