After the sad realization that we will never find love through conventional means, we forlornly created accounts on several online dating sites (Match.com, JDate, the Federal Sex Offenders Directory, etc). After perusing the profiles of fellow users, we've compiled this list of "red flags" for you to look out for when using these sites. If you see any of the following in someone's profile, you should avoid dating them at all costs. They probably write for LaughterHouse.

• I only date people I’m able to carry… long distances…
• I sell children’s shoes (yes, I’m a pedophile!).
  (Note: Latin familiar people may get that joke more than others)
• I am an ax collector.
• I am a tax collector.
• I learned Japanese just so I could watch and understand anime as soon as it aired in Japan.
• We’ll have to do it at your place since my parents are light sleepers.
• I can get you free fries from McDonalds (all of my coworkers steal them too, so it’s ok).
• dood, u r teh hotest, mssg me now lol. i dunno. srry. wat do u thnk of my prfle? i know iz lamez lol!!!1
• There are no seatbelts in my car cause I like to live EXTREEME!
• I’ve named my STDs to sound more like Pokemon (gotta catch them all!)
• I’ve slept with more people than I can count on my hands… in binary. (Note: Computer familiar people may get that joke more than others)
• I have a lot of decorative video cameras in my room. None of them work, so just ignore them.
• I’ve got huge jugs…of chloroform!
• I’m a doctor, but I’m only in it for the almost dead chicks.
• My tissue box top collection speaks for itself.
• Please forward photo of your genitals placed in the included template.
• My brother says I’m a good kisser.
• This is my first time looking for love after the misunderstanding in Detroit.
• My wrists fit comfortably in any orifice.
• We will have a problem if I catch you looking at my hump.
• I'll take you out for dinner, but no fancy restaurants. I'm paying alimony to seven different women, a goat, and the Hindu god Vishnu, so I'm a little strapped for cash.
• I like candle lit dinners, long walks on the beach, and roman showers.
• The muffled screaming that appears to be coming from my trunk is really my heart expressing my affection for you.