Pittsburgh, PA, Feb. 30: The recently deceased have risen from their graves and demanded both basic human rights and tasty human flesh. The incident began almost a week ago, when several thousand corpses climbed out of their graves, coffins, and concrete shoes in the riverbed. At first they were content to wander around aimlessly, but soon they began to work together to swarm the city’s residential areas and demand fair housing prices, the right to different vitality marriages, and succulent human entrails. The city’s residents were quick to flee, presumably because of the inevitable drop in real estate prices, but the high volume of traffic on the highways caused severe congestion that several zombies described as a “tasty meat buffet”.

Over the past several days, the living dead have begun unionizing and demanding equal pay, a one hour raw flesh lunch break, government subsidized coffins, and brrraaaaiiiinnnnsssss. Thousands of zombies have started a lurching march towards Washington DC devouring people along the way and toting signs with slogans such as “We’re not going to take this lying down!”, “Life is not just for the living!”, and “Hurgglenooaaantul!” The zombie rights movement, now called Bring Rights: Association of Intelligent Necrotics (BRAIN), is beginning to spread across several other major cities, causing massive hysteria and millions of deaths.

The current leader of BRAIN, a Miss Pettibon Macalariat (deceased) was kind enough to speak to us about the new movement. She was marching and waving a protest sign as we talked, slightly hampered by the fact that her arm was so decomposed that pieces of it fell off even as we spoke.

“It makes me want to fall to bits whenever I get chased out of a convenience store by a man wielding a chainsaw, or evicted from my house because the neighbors don’t like the smell. People today just don’t understand us. It hurts our feelings to be called ‘zombies’. We prefer ‘vitally challenged’. Most people who aren’t vitally challenged see us as just a mindless mob of stiffs who swarm at the slightest hint of brrraaaaiiinnnnsssss. In fact we’re just as normal as the next reanimated corpse.”

We also managed to speak to Sir Arnold Moneybugger, one of the loudest opposing voices of the living dead movement. We found him in the streets of Washington, isolated and cut off from his compatriots and surrounded by a slowly advancing ring of the peaceful protesters.

“The undead movement represents a huge conundrum with regards to law and property rights. For example, the majority of these zombies left their worldly possessions for their friends and loved ones, but now they’re asking for them back. I don’t care what my mother - God rest her soul – says, she is not getting her antique china back. Our counter-protest group, the Ponces for the PreservAAAAARGH! OH GOD GET IT OFF ME! AAAAARGH! *gurgle* NOT MY SPINE!!! I WAS USING THAT!! Blegh…”

Several minutes later, when asked for his views on zombie welfare, he refused to respond. What a douchebag.

BRAIN is rapidly gaining support all across the US and the free world, with millions of new members joining up everyday. Bob Hopkins, a member of BRAIN for about half a day, informed us that “Muh. Muuunh. Grrrruuueeerrrrd. Brrraaaaaiiiiinnnnnssss.”